


Thoughts at night

by alianovaromanoff



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, SO MUCH FLUFF, Steve really needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 10:53:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6655120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alianovaromanoff/pseuds/alianovaromanoff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has a nightmare, and wakes up with doubts about himself and Bucky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts at night

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr as a birthday gift to @sokovia.

Everywhere he looked, they stared at him. Men in black suits and with empty eyes. They were standing in a long hallway. Fluorescent lighting hung from the ceiling, but there weren’t that many that were still working. One of the men made eye contact with Steve, and started raising his arm. Instinctively, Steve reached for his shield. It was gone. He prepared to fight back, but the man did not attack him. He pointed at something. Slowly, all men raised their arms and pointed to the same thing. Something behind Steve. Slowly, he turned around, reaching for a gun that wasn’t there. All he could see was a door. Cautiously, he walked towards the door. He gently pushed it, and it was open. Steve opened it even further, but there seemed to be no danger, so carefully, he walked in. There was no light inside. It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the lack of it. There was a man inside, who seemed to be hanging from ropes from the ceiling. His feet touched the ground. Machines were whirring all around him. The man seemed to be lifeless, until he raised his head. Bucky. They were in a Hydra facility. Steve was about to run up to Bucky when someone else came in, through a door that Steve hadn’t notice before. 

‘Rumlow’. Steve gave him a disgusted look.

‘You know,’ Rumlow said with evil grin, ‘you’re too late. You could have saved him. You took him with you, made him remember who he used to be, and then, you continued with your little group of Avengers, press tours and TV-shows in abundance. You were so caught up in that, you forgot about him. You thought you had him back. But we got him. We ripped him from you, and you know what? It was even easier than the first time.’

‘You’re lying’, Steve growled.

‘Oh, but am I?’ Rumlow answered, and he walked over to Bucky. Steve took a step forward, but Rumlow’s voice stopped him.

‘Hold it, Captain.’ He cut some of Bucky’s restrictions loose, and handed him something. ‘I’ll leave you two alone.’ As Rumlow walked out, Steve saw what he had handed Bucky: the shield. His shield.

‘Buck… I’ll get you out of here.’ Steve didn’t know whether or not Hydra had wiped Bucky’s memory again, so he stayed on his guard. 

‘No.’ Bucky stared past him, to the wall. ‘You’ve let me down once already. Not again. I don’t do that anymore.’

‘Bucky, this is Hydra talking, not you.’ Steve swallowed. It had to be Hydra talking. It had to be.

‘Steve..’ Bucky looked him in the eye. ‘This is your fault.’ He dropped the shield. It crashed to the floor with a sound loud enough to stop the world. ‘Your fault.’

XXXX

Steve shot up. It was just a nightmare. He took a deep breath. Your fault.. Bucky’s words kept going through his mind. Was it truly his fault that Bucky became the Winter Soldier? At the time, after he fell, Steve was convinced Bucky had died, and that his body was shattered in a dozen pieces, an image that haunted him for quite some time. It would’ve been too dangerous to send a patrol out to retrieve his body from enemy territory. If he had done it, though, he might’ve found Bucky, and the two of them could’ve built up a life together after the war.  
Steve was recently talking to Natasha about this. She said: ‘It wouldn’t have made a difference, Steve. You would’ve crashed Schmidt’s plane anyway.’   
However, he now thought, that is not necessarily true. With Bucky still alive, and Steve not going on a near suicide rampage, maybe he would never have ended up on that plane. And what if he had? Peggy and Bucky would’ve fought for the microphone. Involuntarily, Steve sniggered. Of course, Peggy and Bucky wouldn’t fight on a moment like that, but what a sight that would have been, Agent Carter and Sergeant Barnes rolling over the floor of the control tower.  
Peggy.. He recalled the moment, a few months ago, that he told her he loved Bucky. He had expected her to be upset, perhaps, or offended. Of course, he was wrong. She simply smiled and told him about a lovely girl named Angie.  
Love was a strange thing, Steve pondered. Take Clint and Natasha. They rarely held hands or hugged in public, let alone kiss. Their love was a constant, always there, and expressed in sarcastic comments and Russian nicknames. On the other hand, you had Tony and Pepper’s love. For them, expressing love means showing the world the beauty of the one you love, running a billion-dollar company by day, and in the evening, coming home and making sure your partner drinks and sleeps. But what about him and Bucky? Much like Clint and Natasha, their love is a constant, something that has always been there. It’s fighting for each other in dirty allies, trying to clean the blood stains on shirts and running through the streets of Brooklyn. It’s comforting each other, huddling up in front of a measly fire in a desperate attempt to stay warm, and most importantly, their love means protection. When they were together, they were safe, and safe is a rare thing. But did Steve live up to that safety? In other words, did he deserve Bucky’s love?

XXXX

‘Steve.. Stop worrying.’ 

Steve looked down on the figure next to him in the large twin bed. Bucky was on his side. Being so deep in thought, Steve hadn’t noticed Bucky had awoken. 

‘Have you been watching me?’ Steve asked. 

‘Yeah. You were real far off, weren’t ya?’

‘Had a nightmare.’ 

‘So you wake up and start brooding?’ 

‘Not brooding. Just thinking.’ 

‘Brooding, thinking, worrying, whatever you want to call it, it’s keeping you up. Let’s go back to sleep, Stevie’

‘Sure’, Steve said. He hesitated. ‘Have you ever.. Do I deserve you?’, he stumbled, regretting it almost immediately. 

Bucky sat up. ‘What do you mean?’

Steve sighed. Suddenly, he found himself starting to tell everything. ‘I was thinking about.. about us, and about love, and I just figured that I.. I should’ve gone looking for you. Back then. I could have saved you. The thing is, all those years, you protected me, and the one time you needed me, I failed you. You’re such a good person, and I don’t feel like I should be with you.’

Bucky examined him. ‘You know’, he said, slowly, choosing his words carefully, ‘If you are blaming yourself for the Winter Soldier, you should be put in a mental institution. If you believe that you are not good enough for me, you should probably move to New Jersey.’

Steve smiled. Bucky returned his smile. 

‘Thanks, Bucky.’ Steve said. Bucky always knew how to make him feel better, he figured. 

Bucky lay back down. ‘Let’s get some sleep.’ he said. 

Steve lay down too. There was one more thing about their love, he thought. Tenderness. He moved closer to Bucky, who put his arms around him. 

‘I love you, punk’ 

‘Love you too, Buck.


End file.
